[ The obituary sucks, today. Steve and Dave. Both, Clint spoke to before they died. He's not handling it super well - when he first sees it, he punches a hole in the wall.
It hurts, but - it feels real, which is something he needs after all day of floating, the day before. It settles him down a little. He says his piece on the obituary, and then he goes to the bedroom to curl up on the bed.
[The obituary sucks, and it's just one more thing on top of everything else. Steve is gone again, Bucky still doesn't really trust them, and some poor kid wandered off into the snow and died of exposure. The revelation that the nanomachines they've all been injected with could potentially be used to control them is still rattling around in Natasha's mind, too. She doesn't like feeling out of control, and that's already how she feels here. Just the thought of someone or something being able to mess with her head for the millionth time makes her furious, makes her a little desperate. Mostly, though, it scares the hell out of her.
It's impossible to miss Clint punching the wall, and Natasha sees his message on the obituary, too. She stays on the network a bit longer, giving him some space, but after a while, she follows him into the bedroom. She sits beside him, leaning back against the headboard and stretching her legs out, but she doesn't say anything. Instead, she just reaches out to run her fingers through his hair. There really isn't much to say.]
[ Anybody else and Clint might have gotten up and moved, or - just pretended to be asleep. Natasha is special, though. She's never had a hard time getting through to him and he's tired and upset enough here that he doesn't really care about trying to be strong or whatever in front of her. Maybe in front of everybody else, but. Not here, not in private.
Clint sighs heavily when she gets her fingers in his hair, and his shoulders ease up just a little. He knows she's upset, too. For Steve, for Bucky, for Davesprite. For the possibility of mind control, for what Winter said. He's scared, too. He's had enough mind alteration for a lifetime and he knows Natasha has too. Natasha, moreso.
He turns so he can press his face against her leg, eyes closed. Muffled: ] You'd think it'd get easier to lose people, considering our line of work.
[She had already lost a lifetime worth of people before she even became an Avenger. It's a hard pill to swallow, but there it is. Natasha looks down at him, his face hidden against her leg, and tries in vain to smooth his hair down.]
[ It's not gonna stay down, Natasha. That hair has a mind of its own. ]
No, I guess not. Reminds me that I'm actually real, I guess. You can't feel things if you're not real. Right? [ Maybe he holds onto her leg a little when he asks. ]
Right. Yeah, I know. [ He knows. He's maybe not doing super great. ] I know we are. I am. He just - you know, the kid? Dave? I talked to him yesterday, I think. If I'm remembering right, I talked to him and he was talking about how he was...
How he wasn't real. And then he died. And I don't know what to do with that. [ This is easier to talk about than Steve is. ]
[She exhales softly, her hand stilling in his hair for a moment.]
It wasn't your fault, Clint.
[That's not quite what he's getting at, she doesn't think, but she wants to make sure he's certain of that part first. Davesprite's death bothers her too, though. He was just a kid, and as much as she loves Steve, Davesprite feels more unfair somehow. He should have never been here in the first place.]
[ No, see, he knows it wasn't his fault because he's mostly figured out how to function as a superhero, but it still sucks, and it still hurts, and it's still hard to convince himself that's not the case. ]
That I was part of his head trying to make sense of dying. [ A beat. ] He thought he was a glitchy code that was disintegrating. He - the bit I saw of him, he's... orange? And had wings, it was.
[ Clint closes his eyes and squeezes them shut. ] Maybe I was hallucinating. I'm having a hard time telling the difference.
You might not have been. That certainly wouldn't have been the strangest thing you've ever seen.
[She starts toying with his hair again absently, quiet as she thinks. This is a mess. All of it is a mess that innocent people are being dragged into, and they can't be everywhere at once to help. After a moment, all she can do is quietly add:]
[ He's probably seen weirder things, yeah. Or - definitely. Hulk is way stranger than a depressed orange teenager with wings. ] He was - he was out in the snow when I talked to him. I should've figured. I just didn't...
[ He swallows hard. ] And with Steve - he's not back yet, either. They were both just out in the snow and I couldn't - I know I couldn't do anything about either of them, Nat, I know.
[ He just presses his face against her leg again, biting his lip. ] It's not just me, right? You and Tony are having problems with thinking you're real. It's not just me.
[It isn't as bad as yesterday, but it's still nagging at her, somewhere in the back of her mind. Natasha gives his hair a gentle little tug, not enough to hurt, but just enough so that he'll feel it.]
We're both real. I'm right here, Clint.
[And then she smooths his hair back down again, brushing it back from his temple.]
There's nothing you could have done. [She's repeating what he's saying, just a little softer and more gently, because she thinks he needs to hear it.] I know it's hard. I know you're not used to being this... helpless.
[ The hair tug helps, in a weird way. She tugs at his hair and he makes a hff sound. He appreciates this. She's always been good at settling him down. ]
I'm used to being able to just - see a bad thing and try to stop it, right? Get in a car or hitch a ride or just drop in and stop people from getting hurt. But I can't do that here and things keep... getting at me, instead? Like that fog, or the weird static.
[ A beat, and he turns back over, flopping out on his stomach. He's still mostly pressed up against her. ] Are you okay? I know Winter freaked you out.
[Natasha doesn't say anything for a moment. She stalls a bit, laying down beside him a little more gracefully, her shoulder pressed into his. Clint is one of the few people Natasha almost always defaults to the truth with, but this is hard for her to talk about. Is she okay? Not really. This place is dreading up too many bad memories.]
I don't like feeling powerless. [She says, finally, her voice quiet.
And, really, that's what it boils down to. She's feeling far more helpless than she'd like, almost completely unable to intervene when others need it, but the mind control... She keeps swinging back and forth between furious and scared, and at the moment, there's absolutely nothing she can do to protect herself if the Admin did decide to make her do something against her will.]
Clint turns over again and this time, he octopus clings to her - just curls all up around her and hugs her tightly. It makes him feel better and he can't imagine it makes her feel worse, so. Things have kind of gone to shit, but it's okay. Clint can just push it all under the carpet and deal with it once it's blown up in his face like normal. He kind of needs Natasha to know she has someone she can rely on.
He rests his head against her shoulder. ]
I know. [ Squeeze. ] I don't know what to do about all of this but we'll figure it out.
[It makes her feel better, too. And she knows she can rely on him. She's always been able to, even when she doesn't deserve it. Natasha exhales slowly, turning so she can wrap an arm around him and squeeze tight.]
We always do.
[Mostly. It's nice to have him here, at least. He's one of the few people she feels like she can trust without question, and one of the few friends she lets herself be completely vulnerable around. He's seen her at her worst, after all, and he knows all of the messy details of her past. Well, mostly. She wishes he didn't have to deal with this, but she's glad she has him, too.]
Yeah. [ Being able to actually hug her helps immensely. Already he's easing up, almost sleepy. He's always had a hard time dealing with things on his own. Natasha makes it easier. Tony makes it easier. ]
I'm okay. Just don't go anywhere. [ He sighs. ] I can handle this place as long as I've got you and Tony, I think.
[It's almost phrased like a joke, but she's serious. Natasha has always been good at dealing with things alone, certainly better than Clint, but she's not sure what she'd do if something happened to him again.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
action, day 160;
It hurts, but - it feels real, which is something he needs after all day of floating, the day before. It settles him down a little. He says his piece on the obituary, and then he goes to the bedroom to curl up on the bed.
Napping helps it hurt less. ]
no subject
It's impossible to miss Clint punching the wall, and Natasha sees his message on the obituary, too. She stays on the network a bit longer, giving him some space, but after a while, she follows him into the bedroom. She sits beside him, leaning back against the headboard and stretching her legs out, but she doesn't say anything. Instead, she just reaches out to run her fingers through his hair. There really isn't much to say.]
no subject
Clint sighs heavily when she gets her fingers in his hair, and his shoulders ease up just a little. He knows she's upset, too. For Steve, for Bucky, for Davesprite. For the possibility of mind control, for what Winter said. He's scared, too. He's had enough mind alteration for a lifetime and he knows Natasha has too. Natasha, moreso.
He turns so he can press his face against her leg, eyes closed. Muffled: ] You'd think it'd get easier to lose people, considering our line of work.
no subject
[She had already lost a lifetime worth of people before she even became an Avenger. It's a hard pill to swallow, but there it is. Natasha looks down at him, his face hidden against her leg, and tries in vain to smooth his hair down.]
You wouldn't want it to. Not really.
no subject
No, I guess not. Reminds me that I'm actually real, I guess. You can't feel things if you're not real. Right? [ Maybe he holds onto her leg a little when he asks. ]
no subject
We're real, Clint, I promise.
[She knows what's he's talking about, though. That sense of unreality that had started to creep in yesterday still has her a little shaken up.]
no subject
How he wasn't real. And then he died. And I don't know what to do with that. [ This is easier to talk about than Steve is. ]
no subject
It wasn't your fault, Clint.
[That's not quite what he's getting at, she doesn't think, but she wants to make sure he's certain of that part first. Davesprite's death bothers her too, though. He was just a kid, and as much as she loves Steve, Davesprite feels more unfair somehow. He should have never been here in the first place.]
What did he say to you?
no subject
That I was part of his head trying to make sense of dying. [ A beat. ] He thought he was a glitchy code that was disintegrating. He - the bit I saw of him, he's... orange? And had wings, it was.
[ Clint closes his eyes and squeezes them shut. ] Maybe I was hallucinating. I'm having a hard time telling the difference.
no subject
[She starts toying with his hair again absently, quiet as she thinks. This is a mess. All of it is a mess that innocent people are being dragged into, and they can't be everywhere at once to help. After a moment, all she can do is quietly add:]
Poor kid.
no subject
[ He's probably seen weirder things, yeah. Or - definitely. Hulk is way stranger than a depressed orange teenager with wings. ] He was - he was out in the snow when I talked to him. I should've figured. I just didn't...
[ He swallows hard. ] And with Steve - he's not back yet, either. They were both just out in the snow and I couldn't - I know I couldn't do anything about either of them, Nat, I know.
[ He just presses his face against her leg again, biting his lip. ] It's not just me, right? You and Tony are having problems with thinking you're real. It's not just me.
no subject
[It isn't as bad as yesterday, but it's still nagging at her, somewhere in the back of her mind. Natasha gives his hair a gentle little tug, not enough to hurt, but just enough so that he'll feel it.]
We're both real. I'm right here, Clint.
[And then she smooths his hair back down again, brushing it back from his temple.]
There's nothing you could have done. [She's repeating what he's saying, just a little softer and more gently, because she thinks he needs to hear it.] I know it's hard. I know you're not used to being this... helpless.
no subject
I'm used to being able to just - see a bad thing and try to stop it, right? Get in a car or hitch a ride or just drop in and stop people from getting hurt. But I can't do that here and things keep... getting at me, instead? Like that fog, or the weird static.
[ A beat, and he turns back over, flopping out on his stomach. He's still mostly pressed up against her. ] Are you okay? I know Winter freaked you out.
no subject
I don't like feeling powerless. [She says, finally, her voice quiet.
And, really, that's what it boils down to. She's feeling far more helpless than she'd like, almost completely unable to intervene when others need it, but the mind control... She keeps swinging back and forth between furious and scared, and at the moment, there's absolutely nothing she can do to protect herself if the Admin did decide to make her do something against her will.]
no subject
Clint turns over again and this time, he octopus clings to her - just curls all up around her and hugs her tightly. It makes him feel better and he can't imagine it makes her feel worse, so. Things have kind of gone to shit, but it's okay. Clint can just push it all under the carpet and deal with it once it's blown up in his face like normal. He kind of needs Natasha to know she has someone she can rely on.
He rests his head against her shoulder. ]
I know. [ Squeeze. ] I don't know what to do about all of this but we'll figure it out.
no subject
We always do.
[Mostly. It's nice to have him here, at least. He's one of the few people she feels like she can trust without question, and one of the few friends she lets herself be completely vulnerable around. He's seen her at her worst, after all, and he knows all of the messy details of her past. Well, mostly. She wishes he didn't have to deal with this, but she's glad she has him, too.]
Are you alright?
no subject
I'm okay. Just don't go anywhere. [ He sighs. ] I can handle this place as long as I've got you and Tony, I think.
no subject
[It's almost phrased like a joke, but she's serious. Natasha has always been good at dealing with things alone, certainly better than Clint, but she's not sure what she'd do if something happened to him again.]
no subject
no subject
Not good enough.
[But whatever. It's as good as she'll get.]